The realisation that all was not well has been slowly creeping up on me for quite a few weeks now.
It started when Denise, our wonderful social worker, suggested we didn’t submit our adoption order papers straight away. She explained that as soon as the adoption order is granted we would lose her as our social worker and she felt we still needed her support and guidance. Initially I was quite thrown by this as I thought we were doing really well (and overall I think/hope/pray we are) but as we talked more I discovered all was not as rosy as I thought maybe it had been.
I follow lots of fellow adopters on Twitter and the blogosphere, and many of them write about really horrific experiences with their children. With the exception of some of Duckling’s screaming fits, Tom and I weren’t going through anything ‘terrible’ and I kept saying to him how much worse it could be for us. We weren’t like those “other people”. It didn’t seem to matter that we weren’t getting enough sleep, couldn’t do a single thing by ourselves without a child wanting to be carried, that NOTHING we do is ever good enough for Duckling, or that Gosling was hitting, kicking and pinching (the list could go on), because there was someone having it worse than us.
Then, last week, Denise read back to me something she’d written about Duckling & Gosling as part of an ASF application she was submitting to get them an holistic assessment. I was shocked by what I’d listened to; she had described my life completely accurately but it was like listening to one of those “other people’s” stories.
Over the weekend, I think I started to realise that although there are people having it worse than us (and there are) it doesn’t matter. Because this is our life and quite often it’s not all that great. In fact, at times it can be pretty shitty.
I remember writing in a previous blog that I’m not a cryer – and generally I’m not. But this morning the floodgates opened, and five months and two weeks of ignoring the truth poured forth. I feel better for it. It’s also allowed me to write again – something I’ve really missed but just haven’t been able to do.
Accepting that our reality isn’t what I thought it was has really shaken and upset me. They say acceptance is the first step to actually changing your behaviour and if nothing else it means Tom and I can move forward with caring for and looking after Duckling and Gosling to the best of our abilities.
The Good Stuff
Duckling went swimming for the first time and loved it.
Gosling has made a friend at nursery.
Tom and I have a babysitter at the ready for our anniversary.
My husband and I have adopted two wonderful children. Duckling is 5 and Gosling, her little brother, is 3. I'll be keeping track of our journey here...